


Shalashaska's crack ships

by shalashaska



Series: Crack too dank to smoke [1]
Category: Barney & Friends, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Pingu, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - High School, Crack, Dom/sub Undertones, Drapple, Fluff, Forgive Me, Guro, Multi, Skeletons, Teacher-Student Relationship, Teeth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-13
Updated: 2015-07-06
Packaged: 2018-03-22 17:56:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3738133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shalashaska/pseuds/shalashaska
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So one time at like 2am I wrote down a list of crack ships with a friend.<br/>Now here I am being forced to write fanfics for them.<br/>Some are familiar, some not so much. All I know is that if I don't write them Courtney will send her mum to beat me up or something.<br/>Expect some childhood characters at some point, when I'm feeling strong enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Drapple

One time Draco and Apple were having a great time and there was this awesome cake and everything. Obviously Apple could not eat any because he did not have a mouth or anything. Oh well. Draco had to eat the whole cake himself because if he shared it with Crabb and Goyle that would be stupid. They were both fat and stupid anyway and Apple was the only one who understood him. 

So they sat together on Draco's bed in the dormitory while Draco ate cake and Apple watched him in silence.

Now that he was all full of cake Draco felt bad that Apple couldn't eat any. “I am sorry Apple, if only you could eat too.”

He bent down to get closer to Apple, stroking his shiny green surface. “You are still my best friend though, even though you are an apple.” Then Apple turned around and looked up at Draco with his non-existant eyes. 

“Am I only your friend, Draco?” Apple replied, his soft voice flowing like honey as it took over Draco's mind, and filled his ears. The voice of Apple soothed every wound and healed every pain he felt, no matter how bad things became.

He felt this question pierce his heart, and sorrowfully responded. “Oh, Apple. If only we could be more than friends. However, you are a mere fruit and my father would never allow it.” It hurt him that they could not be together, but being friends made it hurt less. Being with Apple was all that mattered.

“Draco we can't do this anymore.” 

The young man felt an itch in the corner of his eye as tears began to form. “Apple, you can't leave me now, please.”

Apple reassured him. “I will never leave your side, Draco. You are the only one I ever felt this way about.” 

Tears streamed down Draco's face, whether they were tears of joy at the love they shared or tears of despair at the fact they could never be together, he did not know. Perhaps it was a little bit of both.

He planted a kiss on his shiny green lover, who whispered sweet nothings to him in an attempt to calm his aching heart.

And then Apple disappeared in a cloud of smoke that filled the dormitory for a moment. Draco gasped and fell off of his bed in shock, coughing as he recovered and straightened himself up into a sitting position on the floor. 

As the thick cloud cleared and his vision was restored, Draco's eyes widened at the sight before him.

It was Apple, only Apple was no longer an apple. Apple was now a person somehow. Don't ask me how Apple is now a person I will get to that eventually. GAWD.

“Draco... I am free... You have freed me.” The young man on the floor was flabbergasted. He said nothing, and instead took in Apple's new appearance.

His human form was taller than Draco for some reason even though he used to be a freaking apple. Don't ask questions just let me finish. His long dark hair fell over his shoulders, framing his face. His eyes were green as... apples? I guess?

“The curse is lifted... I'm free, Draco!” He leapt forward off of the bed and threw his arms around the blond who still sat there confused. “Wait, you mean you were only an apple because you were cursed? Who on earth would-”

Then his mouth was stopped by a sudden kiss, a clumsy kiss. He felt their teeth knock together as they fell back onto the floor, and Apple pulled away for a moment, looking down at Draco hungrily.

“Apple...” Draco reached up to stroke his cheek, which was no longer as shiny or green as it used to be. Now it was all squishy and flesh-like and stuff. “What is your true name?”

“I'll tell you, Draco.” He leaned in close and breathed softly into his ear. “If you promise to cry it out for me.”

Then for some reason Draco felt it would be appropriate to do the dirty on the floor with a guy who was fruit about 2 minutes ago, because wizards do what they want and they are kind of weird.  
Waaahayyyy.


	2. Barney x Pingu (highschool AU)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive me for this.  
> I don't think I need to say anymore.

“See me after class.”  
Pingu nooted in disbelief. It was only his first day of high-school and he was already in trouble for being late. Dragging himself to an empty seat towards the back of the classroom, he slumped into his chair. So much for making a good impression on the first day.

He stared blankly as his tall, purple professor scribbled his name across the chalk board. Professor Barney, huh? What an asshole. A kind teacher would have let him off for being late just once. This guy was a jerk.   
Also he was a dinosaur and penguins hate dinosaurs, because they are carnivorous predators. Think twice about hugging Barney because he eats penguins.

Where was I? Ah, yes. Pingu could noot stand him.

He almost dreaded the thought that class might end, and he would have to be alone with that guy. He would probably eat him or something. That prehistoric asshole.

Class was already half over the next time he glanced up to check the clock. Normally class seemed to take forever, but now time passed too fast and Pingu sighed to himself at the monstrous unfairness of it.

He decided that the best course of action would be to concentrate on the math problems and just accept his fate. Getting in trouble would noot stop him from getting good grades. He came from a family of intelligent penguins and would noot let them down. He had to do well and get into a good university, even if he had to pull all-nighters to study. He had made up his mind.

When the school bell finally rang it hammered into his ears like... hammers. I don't know. Similes are hard.

The lesson was already over and he had to face his new teacher. He put on a brave face, and he was determined to take responsibility. He would promise to noot be late again, and that would be the end of it. Except it wouldn't be.

As he approached Professor Barney's desk, the tall, purple teacher looked up at him with a suspicious look in his eyes. He was noot going to let Pingu off easy, and sensing this Pingu tapped his webbed penguin foot nervously. 

“Late on your first day, hmm? I didn't catch your name.” His tone was stern, but not outwardly angry.

“Noot nooot.” Pingu responded confidently. He had to stay calm and take it like a man... or penguin.

“Pingu, is it? You've made a bad first impression, Pingu.” He shuffled some papers in his round purple fingers, placing them neatly into his desk drawer. Pingu felt a lump in his throat.

“Noot. Noot noot, nooooot noot.”

“Is that so? Never again? You'll be on time every single day from now on?”

“Noot.”

“Very good, Pingu. However, how can I know that I have your word?” He slammed his drawer closed abruptly and it was so sudden Pingu felt that he might shit himself out of pure shock. He didn't, but if he did it would have been super gross.

“Noot?” Pingu did noot understand. Wasn't a promise good enough? What was up with this guy?

“You heard me. You need to understand who's in charge here, Pingu.” He dismounted his office chair, standing to tower over the young penguin before him. “I will have to teach you a lesson.”

Pingu stood there in silence wondering what he could possibly mean, until he was ordered to take off his clothes. He felt a cold sweat seep through him. “N-noot?”

“That's right, all of it.” 

Eventually the young penguin began removing his clothes, first pulling off his t-shirt with shaking flippers. Professor Barney watched in silence. This was becoming dangerous. This guy was stranger than Pingu had anticipated. Fumbling with his belt, he removed his jeans. He wasn't wearing shoes, because penguins do not need shoes. Why would a penguin wear shoes? 

Finally, he stood in front of his teacher completely naked, his face flushed with humiliation. Barney's dinosauric eyes rolled over his body. This was it. He would be eaten by a dinosaur. He couldn't have possibly anticipated this when he set out of his igloo that morning.

Barney walked towards him. Pingu could feel his pulse thumping in his head. He rested one hand on the back of Pingu's head, confusing him at first. Then he leaned in closer.

When he kissed him it was like electricity running straight through his body from his beak to his flippers. He stood in shock for a moment, before slowly closing his eyes and returning the kiss. I don't know how a penguin could possibly kiss like a human but somehow he did it. Don't ask me.

When he pulled away, Pingu sighed at the sudden absence of his touch. His purple lover gazed into his penguin eyes.

“Now you're going to learn your lesson, Pingu.”

“N-nooooot...”

“Now, get on your knees and give me a reason to forgive you.”

Pingu blushed again, understanding what he now had to do. He slowly lowered himself to his knees and looked up at his tall dinosaur lover. “Noot. Noot, nooot...”

Barney smiled and petted Pingu on the back of his feathered head. Maybe he would make a good first impression after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry. I am so tired.


	3. Pepe le Heartbreaker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is awful please forgive me I am so so sorry

One day Pepe was very angry at feels guy for not giving him the succ so he left the house with a frustrated velociraptor screech. “Ugh, fucKING REEEEE” He spat as he disappeared into the night but didn't really disappear because that would imply some kind of death. 

Pepe ended up at the local MacDonalds as he felt like a meal to calm his raging autism. Then he saw sonic and sonic was very very alluring because dark blue anthropomorphic hedgehogs are every man's weakness. So Pepe was like oh-holy-shit-look-at-that-hedgehog-booty.png and he approached the sexy hedgehog. “Pepe, what are you doing here?” Sonic said, very very fast. “Fucking normies ugh” Pepe grunted in a rare sort of way. 

Sonic cut to the chase. “Pepe this is gonna sound weird but I really need someone to give me the FAST” Pepe raised a froggy eyebrow. “What kind of fast?” Sonic leaned in close to him and almost stabbed his eye out with his spiky ass head. “The penis kind.”

So yeh basically then right, they were making out okay and then Pepe showed Sonic his enormous frog dong which was like 420 inches so Sonic was like wohhhhhh and he totally gave Pepe the SuCc which was totally hot. Then he put the entire gigantic green peen inside his little hedgehog butt and Pepe fucked him until he threw up all over the floor and then when he pulled out he shat on Pepe's lap. Sonic stroked Pepe's fat fucking eyelids and they fell asleep in eachother's arms it was disgusting and awful because who tfhe fuck does that in MacDonalds.

Then in the morning right, Pepe came home and Feels Guy was being a sad loser and he felt kind of bad about puke-fucking a hedgehog behind his back so he just went back out again. Fuck that man. 

But then when the Feels dude was out buying nothing in particular he saw Sonic in the supermarket and he was talking on the phone and like he didn't know who Sonic was talking to until he heard him say Pepe's name and then he was like wtf is happening here m9 so he spied on Sonic like some kind of psychopath and heard Sonic talking about the sex they had because Sonic is fucking disgusting and he talks about doing puke-sex in public idk maybe because he's going fast all the time he forgets people exist. 

So feels man went home and had the ultimate feels when he thought about Pepe getting someone else's projectile vomit instead of his. It was a sad time for Mr Sad Guy and when Pepe came home Feels guy was having so much feels he kicked Pepe out of the house and then he was even sadder because ePepe was so super rare and he didn't want to lose his green frog lover. He decidded to go back to his ex who was Barney, but Barney was busy raping Pingu or something so like yeh that sucked.


	4. Rhuan and Jacob's sexy fuckiNG SKELETON ADVENTURE OMG (RPF)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These sons of a meme are some random m8s of mine and they're doing THE GAY REEEEEEE
> 
> also skeletons and fucking teeth omg

Once upon a time Rhuan was a gay nigga and he showed up at Jacob's doorstep and rang the doorbell rite. Jacob thought it was halloween because he is too poor to afford a calendar or something. So like he answered the door and it was Rhuan wow. 

Rhuan was so cute like a pug Jacob decided to do THE GAY with him REEEEEEEE. Rhuan was confused tho because Jacob whipped out his MASSIVE dong and smacked Rhuan across the face really really hard so all his teeth fell out of his face all over the new carpet. 

OMFG and then Rhuan literally ripped his fucking clothes off like the fucking hulk and screamed like a fucking velociraptor wow sexy. Then he fell over because he stepped on his teeth and it hurt so damn much oh my. So Jacob had to pick up all the teeth because Rhuan is a FUCKING FAG.

So he took the teeth right and he ran to the bathroom like a fucking disabled goose or something and tied the teeth onto a big length of dental floss like the most resourceful goose ever. OH-wow-what-u-gonna-do-with-that-eh.jpg

Okay so then what happened is right, what happened is Jacob right he went back to the living room right okay so then alrighty right Rhuan was still lying there like a fish that has had its penis removed with a lawnmower okay. 

So then Jacob was CrEePiNg Up On ThAt TaStY m3M3 BoOtY yUm YuM.......?????  
He slithered over to Rhuan making a noise like a blender and slipped the tooth anal beads inside Rhuan's ANAL CAVITY.  
Rhuan was screaming like he had piss in his eyes and he thrashed around like my big massive penis.

So Rhuan had all his teeth inside his bum-bum and he was crying ketchup from his pepe eyes. Jacob laughed like a fucking ELEPHANT WITH DOWNS SYNDROME and it was so great tho.  
Rhuan screeched loud enough that fucking David Cameron could hear him all the way from his TORY THRONE IN HELL. FUCKING TORY BASTARD REEEEEE FUCKING TORIES.

Anyway so then Jacob put his tongue on Rhuan's tasty eyebrows and tasted the delicious meme sauce from his forehead. Yum.

Oh my god my fucking arm hurts so anyway right then what he did was what he did was he took a fucking SICKLE and stuck it in Rhuan's JUICY EYEBALLS. THEN RIGHT OH MY GOD RIGHT HE FUCKING yanked the fucking sickle out of Rhuan's head and put it in his tum-tum and then he RIPPED THE FUCKING TUM-TUM.

He flipped Rhuan over like a fucking hamburger patty and took his massive enormous donger named Philip and stuck it inside of Rhuan's guts. His guts were like fucking canned fish omg. So WHAT HE DID WAS he did THE GAY with Rhuan's fucking guts-hole and Rhuan was like omg can u not m99999 but he kept going really really fast because the spirit of sonic was flowing in his bones and he could feel it. GoTtA gO fUcKiNg FaSt.

Rhuan's guts sloshed around like sexy fucking guts right. OMG man.  
Then Jacob got bored and the guts started to get gross ugh. So right what he did was right omg man he fucking pulled Philip out of Rhuan's gut-hole and fucking SLAPPED HIM ON THE BELLY WITH IT and then he got his sickle idk where it was but who fucking cares he got it out.

THEN he took the sickle and FUCKING SLASHED RHUAN'S FUCKING SKIN OFF OOOHHHHHHHHHHHH AND THEN OMG.  
And then right fucking what he did was he took Rhuan's skin and wrapped it around himself and zipped it up (idk why it had a zip wtf that doeesn't even matter and if u care u should die in a well u normie piece of shit on a tramp's shoes) and he wore Rhuan's yummy skin like a onesie it was so hot.

Rhuan still had skin on his head tho and he was still alive except his body was a fucking AWESOME SKELETON and he stood back up and fucking BASHED JACOB RIGHT ON THE FUCKING GABBA.  
Philip was fucking kill oh no.  
Rip in pieces fucking Philip, Jacob's enormous penis.  
Philip fucking died and turned into fucking dust because it was no match for Rhuan's fucking SKELETON FISTS OF FURY!!!!11!!!11one!!

So now Jacob didn't have a penis all of his power was gone omg so like he fell over and then Rhuan pulled the teeth anal beads out of his sexy skeleton bumhole and swung them around over his head and then omg.

Then he smacked Jacob on the FUCKING HEAD with his own teeth from his anus and he was like LMAOOOO FUCKBOY and he danced a sick fuckin jig rite.

His dance was so sexy and skeletal that Jacob fucking became a skeleton too but without a human head and he fucking pulled out a kick ass skeleton SWORD WHICH WAS ON FUCKING FIRE.

But Rhuan wasn't havin' none of that m8 no siree NOPE. So what he did was he did a fucking moonwalk and then he did the splits and he said “FUCKING ENGARDE U STANKY HOE NIGGA MMMMM” 

Jacob's skin armour was removed from him and he rezipped himself into his puny skin body.

Skeleton Rhuan was contained... for now.  
DUN DUN FUCKING DUUUUNNNN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should never drink coffee again.

**Author's Note:**

> I will write more, because Courtney will stab me if I don't.  
> Please forgive me for this garbage oh my gosh.


End file.
